Letter to my husband (Late Danii Alexander who passed away on March 3, 2015)

[dropcap]A[/dropcap]s I entered the ICU to see you, I saw your listless body lying on the bed attached to a number of tubes and wires. I was shaking badly and my whole body went cold. I controlled my emotions and I took your hands into my mine, and for the first time your hand was so cold against mine. That also was the last time I hold your hands. I whispered your name in your ear as I prayed for a miracle to happen. Your breathing slowly fading. I didn’t lose hope I called out to you to open your eyes, and that you have to be strong and make it, if not for me but for our son. Nothing happened. And then you slipped away peacefully.For a moment eveything around me stopped. After that everything was blurred and hazy like a dream. My world has been turned upside down. The pain of losing you was like no other pain. It hurts a lot. It pains my heart. Life wasn’t the same anymore without you. When you died, a part of me died too.
No one understand how hard it is. Waking up everyday and nothing is the same. Each day I wake up putting a brave face pretending to be strong. And so everyone says how well I am doing and how strong I am. What they don’t know is what lies behind this façade or what happens behind closed doors. In the stillness of the dark and the defeaning silence, I find myself face to face with the worst reality and pain ever!
Alex, you always told me that I am a strong woman. But as the days goes by I realise I am not the strong woman you knew. I am completely broken and lost. Even in a room full of people, I feel so alone and lost. It pains a lot to think and know that you will never be with us ever again. Our son is the only reason that keeps me going each day.
I still wait for you to come through the front door everyday. I think of you everyday. I long to hear your voice, your laughter and to hold your hands and hug you. I would do anything to be with you again.
Oh honey you were a good man; a man with strong principles, your simplicity, humility, honesty, patience and your loving and jovial nature makes everyone to love you. Laughter and warmth followed you wherever you go.
Today I want to thank you again for what and who you have been to me after all these years of togetherness. The best thing ever happened to me is ‘You’ and it will be so. You were the love of my life, my rock, my best friend and my soulmate. I am glad we chose one another from the moment we met. Thank you for choosing me to be your partner and for believing in me and trusting me. Being your wife has been the greatest gift God has given me. I loved you and will always love you not because of how happy you make me, but because of who you were. Your strong principle, loyalty, trust and commitment. I am so thankful that I get to be the person you shared your life with. And thank you for our beautiful baby ‘Kahzho’. Though our stay together has been very short, we have lived well. And I could not ask for more than what has been given to us.
I know you won’t want me to keep crying and mourn for you. You would want me to be strong, smile and move on with my life, but there are days and moments when I can’t help the tears. The emptiness and the loneliness is something, which I believe I have to learn to live with. The only thing left for us are the photos, the memories, and the loved that we shared. I hope someday my son and I will be happy again. Honey I have loved you and I will always do. None can ever replace you in my life again.
Just before you were wheeled to the operation theatre, you told me ‘Honey don’t worry I’ll be alright’. Now, I know you are okay because you are under God’s wing and protection. No more pain. No more worries. As I write this, I leave everything unto God. I may not be able to comprehend his will for a long time to come, yet I believe He has better plans in store for us.
Though you are physically no more with us, I know you’ll walk beside us everyday and watch over us from above smiling. And when my life on this earth ends, I know you’ll come and hold my hand, and take me with you. Until such time we will meet in my dreams.
God takes only the best, and you my hubby was the best. Goodbye my love.

Atono Tsiikrii Danii
Kohima